I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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