She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
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