OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I don't deserve a penis
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
