did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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