You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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