I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
