i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
