i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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