It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
