I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
