If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
