i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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