My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
The power of my boobs compel you
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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