Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(203): View more from Connecticut

trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me

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(518): View more from New York

Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.

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(627): View more from California

Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.

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(817): View more from Texas

Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.

(817): View more from Texas

I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.

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(361): View more from Texas

My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?

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