He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Randomize
