He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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