My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
