Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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