When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
