All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Randomize
