did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize