I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Randomize
