i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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