If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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