u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
