I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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