my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
