Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
