I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
So vagazzling was a success
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
