dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
