Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
