Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I have fence marks all over my body
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
