Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
