Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize