There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Less talking, more tequila
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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