I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
