I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
3 2 1 whiskey
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
