Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
He had one of those small greek statue penises
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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