At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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