Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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