dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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