You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
