broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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