You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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