Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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