A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
