By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
