last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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