I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
