Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
