you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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