Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
