You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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