After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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