Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
