Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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