she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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