i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
