no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
