I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
