Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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