I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
