we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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