The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
