I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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