seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
