It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
